A split-second

I have done something, that I would never have believed possible: René has just finished up a job on one of the tallest buildings in Aarhus. His job was to rapelle down the side of the building, replacing some bolts on the way. Well, the other day he was at my place, just hanging, and he told me that he had to go tidy up at the roof afterwards, and, knowing how much heights scare me, he invited me along. (He has this thing, about facing you fears, and he is still absolutely positive, that my fear of heights will seize once I confront them. They haven't yet, but..) At first I was terrified at the mere thought of being that high in the air, so I refused blankly. But after some time, I realized that I will probably never get a chance like that again. The job was a one-timer for him, and even if he was going back in a couple of years, who knows if I still know him by then? So I figured: "What the Hell!?", and went along. It was terrifying, but not nearly as much as I had imagined. And after about half an hour clinging to the wall, I was actually able to move more freely around. And as long as I didn't think to much, it wasn't that scaring after all. It was a fantastic experience. A couple of days later, I actually did the mistake of thinking, even if only for a split-second, about falling down from that roof, and the fear soon had it's tight grip on me once again. See.. Normally I am not afraid of falling down from high places. What really scares me, is that I am really impulsive, and I am afraid that one day, my impulse will be to jump, and I will throw myself from a place like that. I am not afraid of falling, I am afraid of jumping. What if I go crazy, and just for one second believe that I can fly? One second is all it takes, for me to throw away my life when I am in a place like that.